What prompted me to make this post is basically just how absolutely terrible reddit’s r/femaledatingstrategy is.
But what makes that sub frustrating is that they do get a lot of stuff right….then they go and ruin it all with a bunch of misandry and male financial objectification.
They are all about finding a man who is “generous” who can “provide.”
Now, if you really have to find a man who is a “provider,” well, then I think your ass needs to be putting on makeup, going to the gym to keep it tight, and getting up every morning to make him breakfast. If he’s fulfilling the masculine role, then you should fulfill the feminine role. If you have kids, it’s all you, boo. Shared parenting should be for couples with the shared responsibility of earning an income, otherwise, enjoy the distribution of labor you just set up looking for a “provider.” It just really annoys me that women have gone and made feminism so damn stupid, by shucking conventional female roles while selecting men who inhabit a traditionally masculine role. They hypocrisy just freaking hurts to look at.
Personally, I don’t want to put on makeup or cook anybody breakfast. So, back when I was dating, a man’s income didn’t factor in at all. I just didn’t want to be a hypocrite (or land a man who expected me to look halfway decent a majority of the time-which I don’t-I just shaved my legs for the first time in 5 months-yeah, it’s a whole situation and now the bathtub drain is clogged). You can’t go out looking for men to be all macho man, unless you also want to be the delicate pretty little female. And that all looks like a lot of work. I’m not doing it. I can’t expect a man to do all that traditionally-male shit when I don’t clean anything, or brush my hair unless I’m leaving the house. That’s who I am. I don’t want anyone to expect me to be different. I wanted to just have a nice easy life with someone I enjoy being around. I mean, there actually are some benefits to choosing the lower-income guys. You can just be yourself more easily. Not that I’d really know, since I never dated a big earner, but I can’t imagine I could lay in a blob with hairy legs scrolling reddit all day with some competitive type-a personality as my counterpart.
Hypocrisy is one of the worst traits a person can have, and unfortunately, it runs pretty rampant in feminism in general, and also on r/femaledatingstrategy.
Really though, I kind of hate the whole “men need to provide” or even “men need to pay for dates.” I think it’s incredibly fucked up to make men buy your attention.
Now, sometimes I get called a “pick me” when I do all this.
But what I really need to know, from my fellow females who might do all this “the man has to pay for the date” shit is: Lady, don’t you feel bad?
Yes, it’s easy to get men to buy you shit. I am a maybe-a-5-butterface talking here. So all the actual hot women who let men “wine and dine” them have just got to be absolute sociopaths. I’ve never actively asked a man to buy me anything and I have had many things bought for me. It just makes me feel like….oh, you poor thing. Calm down. You don’t have to do all that. It’s like, why don’t you feel guilty taking advantage of them?
Why wouldn’t you put your hand up and go, “Okay, slow down. Don’t buy that. Don’t do that. Be easy. Let’s just hang out.”
I do actually think most women feel uncomfortable when men trip all over themselves for them. I think most women are uncomfortable with gifts from men they haven’t seriously committed to (or I freaking hope so. The 50 Shades series makes me feel a little bleak about the situation).
I met my husband when he was 24 and he’d never had a serious girlfriend before, and the man’s first instinct was to pull out his wallet. I felt really bad every time he did this. Eventually I got him to stop buying me stuff.
And I have no freaking clue how women accept gifts or expensive dates and don’t feel that burning shame or feel crushed under this sense that you’ve taken advantage of someone.
Ladies, listen: He is doing that because he thinks HE HAS TO if he wants you to keep paying attention to him. That’s so fucking sad, I can’t deal with it.
But here we have r/femaledatingstrategy just unapologetically financially-objectifying men, while out of the other side of their mouth, telling women what queens they are and how men can’t sexually objectify them.
So a career woman who wants men to pay for dates *the biggest eye roll I can do without popping my eyeballs out*
And I love how she says men should pay for dates because she does all this beauty stuff.
Lady, just be an unkempt mess like me if it bothers you so much.
MEN WILL STILL TRY TO PAY FOR DATES. Pinky promise they will. That’s why making them do it isn’t right.
I don’t know, maybe not the type you’re going for, which is probably most of the problem. (Vet our disrespectful jerks and dating is really easy).
“I love spending time alone”-she really set me up to say something mean. I won’t….
Okay, let me just dig into some of the main areas where FDS fucks up. Then we’ll move on to where they sort of get it right.
The money thing does especially bother me. I can’t lie. Here is one of their posts:
Expect him to pay…for a nice restaurant….I’m just over here like, lady, why are you so worried about a meal?
I don’t know. It seems weird. Like, do you guys even like men? Why isn’t it enough to chill with a man and talk to him for a few hours.
Why isn’t that enough of an experience?
I swear a lot of these bitches are in it for the free food.
“An honor”-you are just a person, just like he is.
You are a human. He is a human. Just go chill together. What does the restaurant have to do with anything? What does the dollar amount he is spending have to do with anything? If you’ve ever been sexually-objectified, maybe you could practice a little empathy and consider how terrible it must feel to be treated like an atm with a dick.
This isn’t an Arthurian romance where you’re the virtuous lady and he’s the noble knight and he has to go on a quest to win your most perfect and chaste love.
“Queen Energy”-they are such a meme and I think that’s why so many people believed (including me for a minute) that it’s a bunch of men trolling behind this whole subreddit.
But why wouldn’t you want to build a man up? It’s not even hard to do. Not long after me and my guy started living together, I mentioned that I thought it was sexy he could code. That man went and got a whole ass Computer Science degree.
It’s a really good feeling to fall in love with a man and show him how much you think of him every day. It’s really fulfilling to make your man feel, you know, like a man. And any female who doesn’t enjoy stepping into that role, well, I’m not surprised you spend your time on reddit strategizing.
And all that Pick-Me stuff; My theory is that they do it because the more women that decide to stop acting like absolute entitled cunts, the less power they have. They only have leverage when a lot of women subscribe to these gross dating philosophies. If they were in the minority, men wouldn’t put up with them.
They know that the only reason women hold most of the power in dating is because men like women (generally) more than women like men.
If a woman comes along that’s like, “No, I like men and I think they’re cool and I think you’re really cruel to expect them to fawn over you and worship you like this”-they pull out this pick-me shaming tactic, because women (as we’re overall more cooperative and agreeable) will usually adjust our behavior when confronted with shaming tactics.
And if most women liked men as much as men like women, r/femaledatingstrategy would not exist. People wouldn’t have so much trouble finding love.
Everybody stop being stupid and worrying about free food and go fall in love ❤
Another aspect of r/femaledatingstrategy I really can’t stand is the way they identify the supposed “low value men.”
This is a section from their “Types of Low Value Men” section.
Ay….I don’t know where to start.
Yes, some meek and mild men are clingy.
Some loud and extroverted guys are clingy.
Clingyness is bad, but it doesn’t have anything to do with how introverted or extroverted a guy is.
How about instead of demonizing all shy/introverted men and treating them like their worth is in how ambitious they are (men are not tools for women), just say ‘All this clingy stuff is bad! Don’t date guys who do this clingy stuff.’ Because, yeah, threatening suicide is not cool. Neither person should need the other person so badly they can’t function.
The clingy section is spot on: All of those are red flags. But no, shy dudes are not all emotionally-unhinged clingy weirdos. That’s such a false correlation. Spot a clingy guy if he’s being clingy, not if he’s being introverted, not if he isn’t climbing the corporate ladder.
Just, the all-around way they decide what a “high value” man is, it’s completely messed up. It’s all based on how extroverted and ambitious a guy is and how much shit he buys you. So, a great subreddit if you want to date a loud asshole who throws money at your pussy, I guess. Go off. Have fun with all that noise.
So, what does r/femaledatingstrategy get right?
Well, they advocate cutting men off the first time they do something non-negotiable. I agree with that. I just….have a more sane idea of what is non-negotiable.
Look, I got jerked around by guys back when I was dating too. Most guys I dated were fine. A few were absolutely awful. I met this one guy on vampirefreaks.com when I was 18 (oh, I know, don’t even start). We arranged a date. He told me when he’d be coming to pick me up. I waited….and waited….called him several times and he kept saying he was close-by. Like the moron I was, I waited at the end of my driveway sitting on a boulder for almost three hours.
Eventually, he did show up. He gave a weak apology and I said, “Oh, that’s okay!” He took me to Wendy’s, went through the drive-thru, then tried to start feeling up on me while I ate a burger in the passenger seat of his car.
At that point, I pumped the brakes on that whole situation. But what I should have done after waiting for that long without any kind of reasonable excuse, was cancel the date. I was a total pushover at that point in my life.
And r/femaledatingstrategy is right that you shouldn’t let guys treat you any kind of way.
I don’t think they need to throw money at us or worship us, like r/femaledatingstrategy seems to think. but also, well, they’re right, don’t be so desperate for love you let a guy keep you waiting for hours (because he will probably try to grab your tits in a fast-food parking lot after all of ten minutes of conversation and you might just be so stunned for a second, you let it happen while you figure out what the fuck to say….not a good time).
Their whole basic vibe of, “I don’t fucking think so, buddy” I’m sort of feeling. Just not so much feeling their don’t-fucking-think-so criteria.
If he’s keeping you waiting: Next him.
If he obviously doesn’t value or respect you: Next him.
If he is one foot in: Next him.
Too many men in the world willing to jump in with both feet. You don’t have to wait around for the dudes trying to play around and keep it casual.
And where I most agree with female dating strategy: Don’t have sex before commitment.
My reasons for believing this though, vastly freaking different from r/femaledatingstrategy.
They argue that men will not respect or value you if you fuck them too early. So….if I play this game right, I win a dickhead who thinks my entire value is in how easy or difficult it is to fuck me?
I’ve seen a gentleman or two like that in my travels around the internet. I don’t know why anyone would ever want to win one. Doesn’t seem like a very grand prize.
Yet, there is something in r/femaledatingstrategy’s advice not to fuck before commitment: You easily weed out fuckbois. The men who aren’t serious will show themselves the door. And then the group of men vying for your attention gets a lot smaller. Because dating as a female is like choice paralysis. If you don’t weed people out and have a system for doing it, the ones who will get the most attention from you are the low-inhibition guys who press for it. There appears to be a connection between the low-inhibition guys and absolute fuckery, I’ve gotta tell you. Never had a shy dude keep me waiting three hours and then grab my tits in a fast-food parking lot.
r/femaledatingstrategy has it right when they tell women not to put up with disrespect or poor treatment…
….just not quite sure why the amount of money spent has anything to do with respect. In the post linked, they bring up plenty of legitimate issues, but then conflate “cheap” dates with all of these much more serious things, physical abuse, pushing sexual boundaries, etc.
And sis….if you think someone buying you a coke is some huge insult or something to be conflated with actual domestic violence, I’m just not sure what to do for you.
The above snippet also makes it sound like sex and relationships are transactional to them. It shouldn’t be a transaction; you should date men because you fucking like men.
Learning how to weed out time-wasters and guys who have no respect for you is important. I’m with r/femaledatingstrategy there. I just don’t think they’re going about it the right way.
This kind of blatant misandry should not be acceptable.
It’s not empowering to women. It’s just absolutely rude, entirely cruel, to men.
It is financially-objectifying and it really belies the fact that these women are not seeking the company of men, because they actually like the company of men.
I’ll end this post by giving out some non-mainstream dating sites, for all the ladies who might be sick of Tinder. Here you all go, something more useful than half the posts on r/femaledatingstrategy…
https://www.soulgeek.com/ -This is Soul Geek. I hear it’s kind of a sausage-fest at the moment, so if you’re a single lady looking for a nerdy guy, you’re not gonna have much competition there. I met my dude on a similar website that doesn’t exist anymore. It was called SweetonGeeks. I’m not sure why it went under. But yeah, success story from a geek dating website here! 10 years and going ❤
r/foreveralonedating A place for people who have struggled with dating. Would that not be the cutest story? Tell everybody you met on reddit? (you could have a reddit-themed wedding! It’s so cute, I could scream).
r4r Another personals page on reddit. I don’t think it’s as cute as r/foreveralonedating. *shrugs* But I’ll put it out there.
I’ll just say when I got off plentyoffish and….ugh..vampirefreaks….what in the hell even was 2007 Jyvur thinking….and got onto Sweet on Geeks, I had a much easier time dating.
I stopped getting disgusting messages and requests for nudes. It was pretty smooth sailing. I met my dude fairly quickly after getting onto that site. Although, because I messaged him first, he thought I was a bot or a scammer and was treading super carefully at first. But yeah, it all worked out. I’m really glad I tried it.
I remember I googled something like, “Where can I find shy nerdy men?” and the site was one of the results that came up.
Okay, Jyvur’s female dating strategy:
- Get on one of the niche dating sites, where dudes are more likely to be serious (also nerdier and more interesting). Also a lot less dehumanizing than swiping sites like Tinder.
- Don’t be afraid to next guys who act like absolute dickheads-keeping you waiting, not replying to messages consistently, or worse, snapping at you and calling you names, just ghost him. He doesn’t even need an explanation if he’s gonna act like that.
- Don’t let him get it in until he’s committed to you. It’s just going to save you a lot of time and headaches.
r/femaledatingstrategy gets a few things right, but the rampant misandry and hyper-focus on getting “wined and dined” (just damn, these bitches like to eat) really dilutes the message, and by conflating blatant disrespect with monetary gifts, they make women look really really bad to all the male lurkers.
Looking forward to the day that sub is banned.
Men are people, not a bank account ❤