Ch. 38: All He Wanted in the World

There was no reason to do it. None at all. But that condescending bullshit comment kept picking at him. Picked at him for two full days. While he was unpacking, as he scheduled a time to come into Wal-Mart and sit down with Dick and Cheryl, when Dad came over to help Chuck fix a leak under the bathroom sink, every second was spent fixated on that, and Adam didn’t know why. What he did know was that it pissed him off. 

A new user. He’d never seen that avatar before. A pink flower with a butterfly poised on it. Had to be a female. It was tough to vent on these co-ed incel forums. Of course a female would say that. Condescending virtue-signaling cunt. Everything was easier for them. Everything. Then they wanted to tell him to keep trying? Keep trying? 

Yeah. Right. Made sense. He should just keep trying until a female decided to give him the time of day. Why? Why should he? Not that he didn’t actually want to keep trying….but it was better to accept it would never happen. Better to forget it all. 

There was no reason to do it. But he sent her a message. 

CallofBeauty. He snorted and shook his head. That username was ridiculous. Just another female on an incel forum looking for orbiters. What did they do that for? Why couldn’t they leave incels alone to deal with their awful lives? No, they had to come in and taunt them. Teehee, let me be around you and  remind you what an ugly, undesirable piece of shit you are. 

And so, he did it. He sent her a message. 

“Yo, you don’t know what you’re talking about. With that comment you left me? Don’t stop trying…listen, do you even know how hard it is to be a guy? Do you? You’re female, right? I’m ‘sposed to get all my shit together. Females my age don’t always have their shit together. They can have relationships. I can’t. I’m not outgoing. Okay? You look for advice for guys, you know, on how to get dates? It’s all ‘be confident’ ‘be take charge’ ‘make a move.’ That isn’t me! I’m not like that. Girls can be themselves and find someone to love them. Guys can’t. And I don’t want to wait until I have my whole life exactly how it should be before a woman gives me the time of day. I want to make a life with someone. And I can’t and I fucking hate it and I’m so FUCKING MAD about it sometimes. And then you say, ‘Don’t stop trying.’ You say there’s got to be someone out there for me. But she won’t want me like I am. She won’t want me until I’m done with college, have a good job, have SOMETHING I can give her, because I’m not enough. That’s the thing about being a guy. You’re not enough on your own. That’s why your comment has me pissed off. You don’t know. You’re a female. And YOU are one of the people that does this to guys! You wouldn’t date a broke guy. Wouldn’t date a guy with nothing to give you. Not unless he’s six feet tall with a Chad jawline. But then you want to virtue signal and feel like you did something good. You didn’t do anything and you aren’t a good fucking person! Don’t make my problems about you!”

And before he could think about what he was doing, he hit send. He watched the text move from the text box up to the message portion of the screen. A blue bubble encased them now. 

He waited. 

He went about his morning. He ate lunch. He psyched himself up for the meeting with Dick he had in a few hours. Three p.m. He didn’t know what to expect. Since Cheryl was going to be there, he was bracing himself for the worst. He wondered how much of that awful day in September he’d have to talk about. If he’d have to defend himself. 

Around one in the afternoon, he checked the forum again. Fear and adrenaline thrummed. There was a green notification circle hovering over his inbox icon. 

Throat gone dry, he hastily clicked the inbox. 

“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Gut plummeting, Adam stared at the screen. 

He didn’t know what he was expecting. It wasn’t this though. All his anger was gone. Heaviness pushed down on him. What had he actually wanted from her? 

Standing and pushing the laptop aside, he paced. Goku hopped down from the windowsill and wove in between his legs. 

Adam sighed and reached down to pat his head. “Goku, man, what the fuck is the matter with me?” 

Goku pushed his head into Adam’s palm in response. 

He took a shower. He brushed his hair. He checked himself in the mirror and put on a nice shirt. A pang of unease poisoned his blood. He recalled how he had done all of these same things on the day that he’d taken Becca out. His throat tightened. He stared at his pale, acne-riddled reflection in the mirror. He wanted a woman to love him so much. But what if they were all like that? It was terrifying to think that all he wanted in the world was someone who would hurt him. Someone who would always put their needs first. Someone who would humiliate him. For nothing. What had he ever done to Becca to deserve that facebook post? He wished he knew. 

Just before leaving, Adam sat back down on the bed, picked up his laptop and sent CallofBeauty another message. 

“I’m the one who is sorry. I’m so miserable most of the time….do you maybe want to talk more? I think I might be an asshole again, but I’ll try not to. Please don’t have your feelings hurt for what I said. What I think doesn’t matter.”

And her reply was nearly instantaneous.

“What you think matters…You matter. I’m sorry you’re in a tough place. I wish I could do something about that.”

He stared at the screen. So many words on the screen. So many voices he’d never hear. 

She couldn’t do anything, even if she wished she could. Nobody could do anything, maybe not even him. 

Snapping the computer shut, Adam readied himself for the conversation that awaited him. 

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