r/redpillwomen has a new (horrifying) rule and TLDR: ‘if a man beats you, it’s your fault’

Red Pill Women: a relationship and feminine lifestyle advice subreddit, where feminism is banned and traditional gender roles are celebrated.

I’m not being snarky yet. I actually like all of that. I liked all of that even back when I still identified as a feminist. They don’t allow discussions of feminism, but when I outed myself as a feminist there (years ago) literally nobody gave a fuck. They were still kind and supportive. They want a space free from feminism, yet they were perfectly pleasant to self-identified feminists who respected this rule.

Now, I’ll admit I’m not super into traditional gender roles. My husband is more into them than I am. He’s not super macho-man, but there are certain things in our relationship, that as the man, he likes to be the one to do. I mean, we work together, because I let him do the man-stuff, but he’s also okay with me being the take-charge way in a lot of respects. For one, I’ve almost always been the pursuer in relationships. He wasn’t put off by me making the first move on him.

Aside from pretty much always being the pursuer in relationships, I’m just really not feminine in most other ways. I don’t care very much about my appearance. I hate to clean. I don’t like any traditional feminine hobbies, like knitting or gardening. I’m just not…..*shrugs* girly. That just isn’t my vibe.

That being said I’m not the MOST masculine woman to ever walk the earth. I like to do my nails and I like skincare. I like doing yoga and barre. I LOVE reading romance novels and watching rom-coms. I’m not into video games, anime, dungeons and dragons, or coding. None of those cool girl hobbies for me.

Why do I bring all of that up? Well, to explain why I like r/redpillwomen, despite not being super feminine. Because even as a woman who is only slightly feminine, I struggle to find spaces where expressing that femininity is okay. Modern feminism celebrates masculine women, and while there’s nothing wrong with being a masculine woman (hey, I am super glad I don’t have to deal with pressure to be feminine-I get enough of that from my grandmother and I hate it), this culture of modern feminism also comes with a denigration of traditional femininity. So even being the loud-mouthed slob that I am, it’s disheartening not to be able to enjoy the aspects of my identity that ARE feminine, without being chided or spoken down to or hit with a slew of lib-fems trying to indoctrinate me into being more masculine.

You know what? I like going to barre class, because I like to keep my ass looking tight. Not for me. For my husband. Because I like making my husband happy. Barre is also just freaking fun and physically good for me and the fact that it keeps my booty looking good is an added benefit. Try admitting you like looking good for your husband in any lib-fem space and tell me how it goes. I’ll wait. Never mind the fact that my husband loves showing off his big arm muscles and comes to me going, “Look at how big these got. What do you think?” looking for compliments. (That man might be short, but he’s legit fat-strong and I love it). But nah, wanting to look good for your spouse isn’t a natural human desire-it’s a tool of the patriarchy. Right /s

I also like to read romance novels and don’t see anything wrong with a woman prizing a romantic relationship with a man. I’m sick of liberal-feminists making it seem like there’s something wrong with actually liking men and wanting to be in a lasting, stable marriage.

And then there’s the beauty standards. God forbid a woman likes adhering to conventional feminine beauty standards in any capacity.

Just today I was on r/askwomenover30. A woman posed the question “what do you think about going unshaved?” and, of course, there was only one correct answer. The women who said things like, “Well, I prefer to keep my legs shaved, but everybody should do what they like!” were downvoted. You can check the thread out here.

If liberal feminism is really about choices, then why do we see women torn down when they make traditional choices? Liberal feminism is pro-bdsm, pro-poly relationships, but anti-abstinence. You can see this in the outrage they exhibited over the nurse on tik tok explaining the benefits of abstinence. I mean, I’m also pretty pro-bdsm, being the basic bitch that I am, but it’s messed up to show such outrage when you claim to be about choices and freedom. Just don’t be a hypocrite. That’s all I ask of others in life. Be ethically consistent. Have some damn integrity.

All of that was a long-ass way to say sometimes I just want to be feminine without lib-fems jumping down my throat or inserting their ‘oh, well I hate romance novels. I only like video games! I’m a CoOL gIRl.’ Look, like whatever you want. It’s only when you start acting like you’re superior because you have more masculine interests that I start getting annoyed. By tearing down all things feminine, you’re not exactly being pro-woman. You’re actually being quite misogynistic. But there’s a lot of that in modern liberal feminism, which is why I’m done with it.

And so, for a couple of years now, r/redpillwomen has been my little haven when I want to share recipes, talk about skin care, get ideas for nail art, or even (gasp!) create a schedule for cleaning my house (I never clean my damn house-but every once in a blue moon I fall under the delusion that I might eventually). You can also freely talk about male-female relationships without liberal feminism being interjected. You can freely discuss ideas for how to make your man happy without some bitter woman jumping in to act like wanting to make your man happy is some evil thing or screeching ‘internalized misogyny’ or something.

r/redpillwomen has always been a nice like little refuge from the mainstream narrative of liberal-feminism-I-don’t-need-no-man-strong-independent-woman-gamer-gurl-yasss-queen!

They get a little cringe over there from time to time. I mean, the way they call their men “my captain” makes me want to break out into a recitation of a Walt Whitman poem. And ack! The way they talk about their “hamster wheel.” This is an idea started by the Red Pill Men. Apparently women are such utter emotional senseless morons, the inner workings of their brains are similar to a hamster on a wheel. Going in fast circles, not actually getting anywhere.

Photo by Inna Lykasevuch on Pexels.com

Okay, so r/redpillwomen wasn’t completely un-problematic to start with. I’ll admit it.

It’s really only because women are so starved for a space where women aren’t shaming traditional femininity or competing for the Cool Girl title (probably a very odd and ineffective form of intrasexual competition), a space where women can truly be supportive of each other, that is why, I believe, so many women have been willing to overlook some of the more misogynistic bents of Red Pill Women.

Because feminist spaces are not supportive of women. Not at all. Not conservative women. Not traditional women. Not feminine women. Not pro-life women. Not Republican women. Not modest women. Not ALL women. Whereas, with Red Pill Women, you can be liberal or conservative or kinky or vanilla (they might ask you to keep kink talk off their subreddit-but they aren’t going to shame you for it). They are a truly supportive female space. Which makes it easy to give in to the temptation to just ignore/roll your eyes at some of their weird misogynistic quirks.

But they have a new rule, and now, as much as I hate to say it, this new rule is so horrendous that they steal the title of most toxic female space on reddit, with a sweeping landslide. r/femaledatingstrategy can’t even come close to this.

New Rule: “Leave Him” is Never the First Option

When this new rule was announced, many women pointed out some of the obvious issues with this rule.

What if it’s a new relationship and it’s full of red flags? What about vetting?

What if he is actually abusive?

Some of the answers to the latter were to say that women participate in creating abuse, and therefore, they need to stay and solve it. If they leave the relationship, they will simply create a new abusive relationship.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Only days after this new rule was announced, a heartbreaking post appeared on r/redpillwomen and this post perfectly shows why this new rule is so dangerous.

Now, the r/redpillwoman response. While many active users of r/redpillwomen expressed extreme horror at what had happened and told this woman to get out of the relationship (although they certainly danced all around actually saying that for fear of being banned), many others chided those who did this and snarkily told them that they would be banned for suggesting this woman leave. The mods have since deleted most of those comments, my guess, in an effort to cover up how despicable this new rule truly is. But many of them made it into my video, before they had a chance to delete. Check out my youtube video on the thread here.

It is the moderators who control the discourse on r/redpillwomen and it is the moderator response: pearlsandstilletos and luckylittlestar and the whole gang, it’s their response that is so chilling. They prevented users from telling this woman who was viciously beaten, who had her life put in danger, “leave him.”

Now, they posted a snarky little note at the top of the thread, right before locking it, saying that nobody should tell her to leave because her life is in danger. She needs to seek “professional help.”

Yeah…..okkayyy….They want to make it look like saying “leave him” is bad advice, because they realized they didn’t fully think through this new rule.

They are just saving face by feigning concern for this victim, and I know that is the case, because if it weren’t, they wouldn’t ban “leave him” comments, but allow the following comments to remain up.

Oh, there you have it. Luckylittlestar is so concerned about the OP’s safety, that she’ll ban “leave him” comments, but keep ones that tell OP she drove this man to beat her up for the OP to internalize, and for other potential abuse victims to see.

What in the fuck even?

The most obvious problem with banning “leave him” comments is with abusive situations. That’s why I wanted to cover this first. And if the OP ever happens to see this, or anyone else in her situation, listen, NOTHING you can do will drive a decent man to hit you. Same for the fellas. You CAN NOT drive a decent person to hit you, and no non-violent action warrants a violent response. If you are that much of a pain in the ass, a decent man will leave you. But a decent man will never hit you.

But then, there’s also the issue of vetting.

Red Pill Women, are we just not about vetting? We taking the first dick that is presented to us?

“Thank you for offering your dick, kind sir. I now belong to you forever. Do your worst.”

For real. In the follow up post, the mods claim that it is “downright autistic” to assume this is what they meant, but what else can we take them to mean if the only advice women are able to give each other is focused on keeping the relationship together. You are basically saying there IS no vetting process, if a dating/relationship sub for women does not allow discussions of vetting.

Why wouldn’t you use your sub to create a place where women can talk about vetting men, in a way that isn’t the ridiculous bullshit of r/femaledatingstrategy?

And a man literally beating you is NOT the only reason to end a relationship.

For men and women alike, any intentional disrespect is a valid reason to end the relationship. Married ten years. I have had disagreements with my husband. We do not intentionally disrespect each other. It’s a non-negotiable. We can get annoyed at each other, but there is no name-calling, no humiliating each other, no tearing each other down, no intentionally crossing each other’s boundaries. Like…..why does any of this need to be said? If you love someone, you might not always get along with them, but you will always treat them with dignity and respect.

If someone does not always treat you with dignity and respect, then it is not a relationship worth salvaging.

Except in the brains of Red Pill Women.


Photo by Ellie Burgin on Pexels.com

Keep those hamster wheels spinning, ladies.

You haven’t quite got it yet.


  1. Great rant. “Leave him” is definitely good advice when he shows abusive behavior. Especially since victims already tend to try to seek the cause for the abuse in their own behavior. Especially since the longer you wait to leave him, the more brainwashed you will be and the less energy you will have to do so. Especially since the OP does not have kids with him, and if a child should come along, leaving becomes exponentially more important but also exponentially harder to manage the logistics of. And also, the whole situation becomes even more tragic, if that were possible.

    Secondly … this isn’t nearly as important as the approach we take to abusive behavior, but … about the phrase “hamster wheel.” I have, over the years, become convinced that in general, women have a lot more going on in their heads at any given moment than than men do. And I’m including smart men in this. My husband is very smart, but he’s not constantly thinking about everything the way I am. The average woman’s internal monologue would be an anxiety attack if transplanted into the head of an average man. So, I like that we are acknowledging this. But, I find the phrase “hamster wheel” not a very good way to acknowledge it because it makes it sound as though all that cogitating is unnecessary and unproductive. It might be the latter – sometimes – but we can’t turn it off, fellas. And it is often very productive.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks for reading 🙂 Yeah, there is no excuse for physical abuse, and women should be told to leave men who abuse them. I’m incredibly disheartened with the change in this subreddit, because I did really like it prior to this.

      I do think women tend to ruminate more. Whenever I’m writing a male character and get male beta readers, the feedback I get is that the character thinks about his feelings too much. So I think there’s something to that idea. But the way the red pill people use it, it means women are illogical and nothing valuable really comes out of their brains. I find that so insulting :/ But yeah, like you said, women think a lot, but it isn’t all unproductive! (some of it is, but you know, it’s part of the process! lol). And RPW took that straight from Red Pill Men, and i know they meant it in an insulting way. Those dudes call women “plates” 😦

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s